oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
