Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
