bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
