He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
