Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
