everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
