People in love make me want to vomit
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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