The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm passing your future prison.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
