what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
