3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
