i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
