I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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