I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
