just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
