I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
