I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
