I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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