They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
