didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
