you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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