I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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