Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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