Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it fun? or sober?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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