I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
