Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
