i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
