Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
