Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
