You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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