if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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