The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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