Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
