I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
