Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
