Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
