he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
