Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
