i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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