well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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