The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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