Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
