I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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