I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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