we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
