Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
