I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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