I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
