Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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