get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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