I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
please come you make the beer taste better
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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